The death of decency

Dear decent people,

We need your help.

This isn’t anything new, it’s also not an isolated incident. I can guarantee someone in your life have had to deal with this: assholes on dating apps, the internet, in real life.

Be warned this is not about all of you. It probably isn’t about most of you. Yes, we hear you when you say, “women can be assholes too!” (True, we can.) And, “but #notallmen!” (Also true.) However, there being women who are assholes doesn’t make the men who are assholes disappear; and while it’s #notallmen, there are more than enough.

If you’re reading this and your primary emotion is defensiveness, you’re the cause of this piece. If you’re reading this and your primary emotion isn’t defensiveness, you’re the target of this piece.

This is a conversation I had on Tinder yesterday:

As far as I’m concerned, jumping into a conversation with the sole purpose of identifying whether someone meets your preference to satisfy your pleasure is only acceptable when you’re requesting an escort service. And I use “acceptable” here rather loosely.

Before anyone jumps in with, “what did you expect from Tinder?” I’d like to remind you how truly pathetic that question is. What does it say about the state of our society and humanity when this type of interaction is considered the norm? And you’re okay with that?

And before anyone jumps in with, “wow, fighting back with racism. Classy.” I invite you to see things from this side of the gender-specific experience in Hong Kong before responding so. It’s sad, but this city breeds inconsideration and disrespect. Not only among white men, but among all layers of our demographic. However, some white men seem to be affected in a very specific way that makes them feel they have the right to converse in the way Jeff did with me.

No, I’m not upset by this exchange. I’m not even surprised. I’m only sick of the fact I no longer have an emotional response to it because I’ve been conditioned to expect nothing better. I’ve been conditioned to tolerate being treated that way, to accept that what I deserve – fundamental human decency – is setting the bar too high.

READ: This is why understanding and acknowledging women are harassed in public is not enough and what you can do about it

I’m also not offended by this exchange. I don’t see this as an attack on my appearance, because I don’t define my attractiveness on someone else’s opinion of me. I’m far from the “ideal” body type, but I’m healthy and I’m okay with how I look. I’m aware my physicality isn’t my best asset. I do have nice legs though, and lips that can rock any colour aside from true nudes. Anyways.

The reason why this exchange is concerning is what it proves: people who feel they have the right to mistreat others are everywhere. Jeff? If his profile is accurate, he’s a 31-year-old assistant professor at a university in the city. If the distance the app indicates is to be believed, probably HKU. So this man who thinks I should be flattered a hot guy like him would even pay attention to me is in an environment where he’s surrounded by young people constantly. If he breaks professional student-teacher boundaries and compliments one of his students, they should feel special that this brown-hair, blue-eyed narcissist with a wide oval face, and a soft chin that blends into his neck, which sports a brown mole on the left about an inch below his non-distinct jawline is even looking at them. I mean, look at him. Snubbed by People‘s Sexiest Man Alive award, clearly.

No one should be talked to that way. Not a woman, not a man – no one. Additionally, no one should be so arrogant they think they can define for another person how they should feel, how they should be valued, or how their worth is quantified.

READ: 30 statements that would be/are sexist towards men

None of us owe gratitude towards someone because they deign us worthy of their attention, and none of us are owed gratitude because we see fit to give someone our attention.

That’s all very nice and I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. So the following is all personal.

I deserve basic decency. I deserve common courtesy. I deserve to interact with someone and have them reciprocate as though I were an equal. Not equal as in “men and women are equal”, but equal as in I deserve the same degree of respect you feel you’re entitled to. Whoever is reading this, it doesn’t matter, the above statement applies. And if you’re as decent as you’d like to believe you are when you look yourself in the mirror, you’d agree with me.

Back to dear decent people.

We need your help. We need you to listen up and to speak up, because feminism no longer means what it meant when the concept was born. It speaks to the dire state of affairs, but now it means upholding fundamental decency and persistently insisting upon it.

For those of you scoffing and thinking, “you’re a big girl, deal with it. Shit like this happens all the time. Just handle it.”

Thanks, Captain Obvious, we’d never considered that before! Here’s what should be obvious to you: we have been dealing with it, and we have been handling it. We’re not coming to you because we need help dealing with it, or tough love encouragement to handle it.

READ: Why good enough is not good enough

We’re coming to you because we shouldn’t have to. We’re coming to you to ask you to join the conversation.

Next time you hear your friend boast about how they treated another like a commodity, tell them that’s not okay. It’s not okay to feel that’s something worth boasting about, like it’s an accolade. Mistreating others is not a virtue. Making others feel bad isn’t something you should celebrate. Your enjoyment shouldn’t depend on creating a bad experience for someone else.

Also, next time you hear a friend talk about how they were mistreated, don’t nod and say, “that sucks” – or, worse, “well, what ya gonna do?” or otherwise dismiss it – say, “that sucks, what can I do?”

If you already do all that, great. Keep doing it, and thank you. If you haven’t been doing any of that, ask yourself:

Would you be content to tolerate mistreatment because the experience has become your norm? I’m willing to bet there are people in your life for whom this constant shit storm is something they weather through day after day. Are you content to let them weather it alone when you have an umbrella at hand?

There are enough assholes in the world. If you’re friend to someone who has to deal with them on a regular to constant basis, or if you’re friend to a Jeff, don’t be the person who won’t call out indecency when you encounter it.

If you let it slide, you’re not decent. You’re the asshole.